Whew chile….where do I even begin? I guess with a definition. Pillow talking is the intimate conversation had between you and your partner when y’all laid up. I, myself, am a HUGE fan of pillow talking. The sheer intimacy, real, raw and uncut transparency just does something to my inner lover girl. I prefer bedtime pillow talk when the house is calm and still. No lights, no tv, maybe a little music…you, and your person. Pillow talk allows uninterrupted connection. It should be used as an opportunity to lean into your partner and strengthen the foundation of the relationship. What pillow talk should NOT be used as is a tea spilling session; and for good reason.
The thing about “spilling tea” is that the tea being spilled is almost never the business of the person spilling it. The information is almost always scandalous or a secret. This makes the tea hot! More than likely the owner of the tea asked that it NOT to be shared with anyone else. If someone is sharing a secret with you, whether they explicitly say “keep this between us”, or not- KEEP THAT SHIT TO YOURSELF! Now the Mandated Reporter in me is screaming so for all intents and purposes if anyone ever discloses information to you that indicates they intend to harm themselves, someone else, or reports any form of abuse or neglect- report it.
Now that my disclaimer is out of the way, back to what I was saying. The subject matter of your pillow talk should be you and the person you’re laid up with. I have a theory that if you’re sharing someone else’s business while you’re laid up with your partner, it’s because you’re trying to take the attention off something transpiring between the two of you. Essentially- you’re a deflecting heaux. But what happens when what was shared with you in private, that you then turned around and shared with your partner in private, comes up again…in public?
Let me give a few examples. I had a homegirl that was in a super toxic relationship. If you’ve ever dated a narcissist then I’m sure you can paint a picture of what the relationship was like. Her partner would often start big fights and gaslight her anytime she would attempt to address concerns she had in the relationship. So she stopped bringing them up but as a result, struggled to have topics to engage in conversation with him. To avoid talking about them, she’d talk about other people close to her. Best friends, parents, siblings, co-workers….nobody was off limits. Every opportunity this man got, he would bring up the things she shared about her loved ones to use as leverage in arguments and further isolate her from them. Naturally, her friends wanted to know how he even knew those things. Her family was appalled that she would share their business with him, especially because he didn’t have positive relationships with anyone in her life.
This situation isn’t unique. How many times have your group of friends been out with y’all homegirl and her lying, cheating ass man blowing her phone up because she finally decided to pop out? Y’all don’t even be doing anything crazy but he’s going bananas! Then you hear him call y’all her ho friends and talking about how none of y’all can keep a man and how Kierra need to figure out who her baby’s father is before she give any advice about what kind of man anybody deserve. The whole ride to drop this girl off is completely silent and how you feeling, the girl better not even breathe too hard unless she got on walking shoes or Uber credits.
The thing is, the intention isn’t always malicious when information is brought back up. I remember I was dating a guy and he was laid off unexpectedly. The day this happened we had plans to attend a birthday party but naturally, after the news he received, he wasn’t in the mood to celebrate. We cancelled and opted for a dinner and movie night at home instead. A couple of days pass and my homegirl and I were having lunch. She asked why we didn’t make an appearance at the party. I let her know that my guy wasn’t in the best mood after receiving some bad news. She was concerned and asked was he okay and I shared with her that he was laid off. They developed their own friendship during the course of our relationship so it was not abnormal for her to pry as to what was troubling him. A couple of weeks go by and I’m hosting a small get together at my place. My homegirl’s boyfriend approached my guy and tells him that he’s sorry to hear he lost his job and offered him some words of encouragement. Unbeknownst to me, my homegirl shared my guys business with her boyfriend during their pillow talk. During our pillow talk that night, I got an earful about how his news wasn’t mine to share and it made him very uncomfortable to have that brought to him in mixed company by someone neither one of us shared the information with.
As a rule of thumb- never share your friends business with your partner. Never share your partners business with your friends. Trust and confidentiality are essential in maintaining healthy relationships. People share information with who they trust to hold on to it. The damage that occurs sharing information you aren’t the owner of outweighs the bonding that can occur when you share it with someone else. Remember, being privy is a privilege.
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