It’s 10:30 on a Friday night- I’m sitting in the middle of my bed in an oversized t-shirt, pajama shorts, and I have my hair in the two braids like the little girl in The Polar Express. I just started the dish washer, put in a load of laundry, and I’m roasting chickpeas to go in my hyper fixation meal of the week. I don’t think I’ve said a single word in the last 4 hours; which is not uncommon because I live alone. Y’all, I am tickled pink! This night, couldn’t get any better. I’m probably going to binge watch Golden Girls or The Nanny just to ice this glorious cake.
Not long ago, a night like this would’ve drove me insane. I would’ve spent so much time overthinking, attention seeking, or just craving some type of stimulation. I’d convince myself that I was bored or that I desired to see someone that I could be laid up with or enjoying a date night out. If that depressed me too much, I’d distract myself with a girls night out overspending and overindulging just to avoid what was actually on my mind. So what brought about this shift? I’ve consistently been in therapy for the last 6 months. Having a safe space to explore and express all of my thoughts and feelings has done wonders for me. I avoided therapy for YEARS because I have an educational and professional background in mental health and I convinced myself that there was nothing someone I’d pay could tell me that I didn’t already know. But the truth was, I needed an objective sounding board. My therapist is that person.
Back to my single-hood and the realization I came to tonight. (BTW, y’all only getting this train of thought because this is just too good not to share and I don’t have therapy again for another two weeks lol) I never knew peace in any of my relationships. I won’t delve into specifics because I already paid that lady to process those. However, because I never experienced peace with my partners I completely dysregulated my nervous system. My fight, flight, fawn, or freeze was fucked- okay? That constantly craving stimulation and attention was a result of that.
As I’m on my healing journey and learning more about who am I as an individual and separating myself from the persona I create to fit into relationships; I realize I am my happiest in moments like the one I’m having tonight. In my own space where I am safe, it is clean, quiet, and calm. Where I can look as comfortable as I feel because the only approval sought after is mine. Presently, I am my happiest when I only have myself to consider. Being a nurturer, and empath, and giver, and all the things to and for other people had exhausted me and now I choose me and I choose rest.
Heal Heaux- The Lifestyle & Wellness Blog 