I’ve labeled myself a serial monogamist. I can look back over the last decade and a half of my life and tell you exactly what I had going on depending who I was dating at the time. A 4 year relationship here, 6 year relationship there, and I can’t forget the 5 year emotional rollercoaster in between. In each of those relationships I thought I was with “the one”. I fell fast, loved hard, and allowed loyalty to make me look a fucking fool. I’d convinced myself that I was going about love the right way. I wanted the fairytale romance that resulted in marriage, and babies, with the big house, white picket fence, and the dog….even though I’m allergic. Disney destroyed my perception on love. Have you ever noticed that Disney Princesses don’t date? There is no “what’s your favorite color, zodiac sign, biggest pet peeve..” phase. The princesses I’d idolized would meet the guy, the guy would sweep them off their feet, they would fall in love and live happily ever after.
In addition to my very Disney perception of love, the closet example of love and marriage I have wasn’t far off from what I witnessed in the movies. My parents have been happily married for 44 years. My siblings and I are products of their commitment to one another. My parents tell us all the time how they wanted each of us soooo bad and would’ve happily had more children if God saw fit. Our lives have been a reflection of their love and devotion. Not perfect, but beautiful nonetheless. Their love transcends time. -Now you see what I mean? I was doomed from the start! Unfortunately, my love life has not been a reflection of any Disney productions nor the example my parents put in place for my siblings and I. If I were asked to sum up my love experiences over the years in three words they would be tumultuous, traumatic, and isolating. My last relationship left me in shambles. It lasted 6 years on and off and I completely lost myself in it. The person I became to accommodate my significant other was a shell of the woman I was. After a bitter end, I decided how I’d been going about things was the wrong way. It dawned on me that I’d never really dated. I just hopped from one long term relationship to the next. Being loyal to the potential of what the relationship could become.
I didn’t want to repeat the cycle of getting with someone new to get over my last failed relationship so I did something I’d never done before- I sat with discomfort and sadness and grieved my latest failed attempt at love. No one tells you that it doesn’t matter how toxic or unhealthy the relationship was, you’re still sad when it ends. I’d never made space to grieve my toxic attachments because I felt like I was being an idiot for being sad that something so unhealthy had come to an end. Instead, I shoved the feelings of sadness down and filled the void with other things- another job, a new hobby, another degree or certificate. I hurried my healing because I didn’t want to deal with it. It was messy and inconvenient. I felt like I’d already wasted enough time in the relationship so why would I then devote more time to processing how crappy the experience made me feel?
Devoting the time is necessary. There’s an unlearning that takes place after a relationship ends. It’s slow, and gruesome but eventually you get back to you. Your own lingo re-emerges, you find shows you enjoy for you to binge watch on Netflix, you realize that Sunday Funday still exists (mimosas and all), and there is no “your side” of the bed…the entire bed is yours. Don’t rush this part! Unlearning the habits of the relationship allows space for you to re-learn your individuality. What I’m finding is a lot of what I’d entertained was not because I enjoyed it but for the benefit of the relationship. Life is entirely too short to spend precious moments doing things you don’t actually find joy in.
Now that I’m dabbling in dating, I had to learn to stop attaching myself to the “potential” in the person I’m seeing. Every person you date is not going to be marriage material. When you attach yourself to possibility or potential, you’re setting yourself up for failure. You stay longer than you need to, looking for signs or meaning in the actions of the person you’re seeing when sometimes-there is no meaning. Sometimes the person you’re dating comes into your life just to put you on good music, or new restaurants, or teach you something that’s going to be beneficial for your next relationship. Hell, sometimes the person dating is put into your life to introduce you to the person you’re going to marry.
Dating should be something you enjoy. I understand there is a very thin line between fun and frivolous. But I stand on my belief that dating shouldn’t be emotionally and mentally taxing. When I was hyper fixated on “dating with a purpose” or “dating to marry”- I’d never been so stressed and taken advantage of in my life. You have to firmly believe that what’s meant for you won’t pass you by. No amount of people pleasing, overextending, or bargaining will expedite what’s already in alignment for you. Stay rooted in what you believe. Do what brings you joy. Find fulfillment in your individuality and see what life brings you.
Heal Heaux- The Lifestyle & Wellness Blog 