In psychology, de-centering in the context of social theory is the ability to shift one’s viewpoints away from dominate perspectives or narratives. Anything can be at the center of one’s thoughts but recent conversations with friends got me thinking… Is it just me or are all the self proclaimed lover girls hyper fixated on their romantic interests? This isn’t a jab. I absolutely consider myself a reformed lover girl, and before reformation- my partner was the sun and everything else revolved around him. I’m cringing even writing that because, ew. Now before the “my man my man my man” warriors get in my comments, in a healthy relationship, your partner should be a priority. However, your relationship shouldn’t eclipse every other role in your life.
Something that really jams my glock is when women only have the capacity to be a girl’s girl in the absence of a man. I have homegirls that when they have a man, I don’t see them, I don’t hear from them, they don’t keep social or family commitments. These heaux’s will go as far as calling off work behind that man! And if that’s your speed, cool! Love that lane for you! The issue arises when for whatever reason that man makes his exit, all of a sudden, they REALLY lean into their friendships. Now you got time for brunch, and you wanna go shopping, and you wanna come over, and we should plan that trip we been talking about, and blah blah blah. It be the audacity of them going from ghost to needy with my time and attention at warp speed. Like… heaux, is you cool?
Stop shelving your friends for the sake of your relationship. ESPECIALLY if you rely heavily on them to pour into you during difficult times. Life continues to happen to and for your friend when you put them on the back burner for your relationship. To only re-emerge because now you need some platonic TLC in the absence of it romantically, is selfish. To look at this with a wider lens, what kind of relationship makes you become a shitty friend anyway? I can’t imagine it’s one worth having. My friendships have stood the test of time but they didn’t become quality friendships until I started nurturing them like they were priorities and not transient occurrences. Your romantic interests can’t be the center of all you do, it can’t be the sun.
I made a conscious decision to de-center men in my life because I felt like I was losing myself in my relationship and then losing myself in the pursuit of one once I became single. De-centering allowed me to get back to me. I realized a lot of the interests and hobbies I had were things I’d picked up from my partner because I wanted to do whatever would ensure we spent quality time together. But that meant I let a lot of what I did before him fall by the wayside and more often than not, that included things I’d do with my friends. That was unfair to them. My friendships should’ve never become collateral damage of my relationship. These women have seen me through some of the best and worst times of my life. When you have friends like that, treat them like it, regardless of who’s in your ear or guts.
Heal Heaux- The Lifestyle & Wellness Blog 