When you call a friend, family member, coworker, significant other, whomever to vent- do you ask them are they in the space to hear you out? Or do you just dump your shit in their lap so that you can get some relief? Have you ever stopped to think why it’s important to consider what the person on the receiving end of you vent has going on before you add weight that isn’t theirs to carry? I’ve been labeled “the therapist” friend. I am the go-to for all things advice, planning, consoling, etc. I also happen to be a relatively private person. I don’t typically seek counsel from my peers or family members. I pray first, I talk to that lady I pay to tell my problems, and I go within to plan and prioritize. My process is quiet and mostly internal. I carry my own weight. From the outside looking in, it may appear that I never have a bad day or week or six months in my most recent battle- but that just isn’t true. Just because I carry it well, doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy.
Being the therapist friend is especially difficult if the people closest to you aren’t as emotionally intelligent as you are. Scrolling TikTok the other day, a post caught my attention. The creator was explaining how the people in her life never stopped to question how she was before becoming upset with her about not showing up for them in the way she normally does. I couldn’t find the repost button fast enough. If you’re new here, let me give you a little back story. I started this blog over 2 years ago. It was an outlet for me while I was on medical leave after being diagnosed with Stage 4 Endometriosis and abruptly had to go under various treatments and a number of surgeries. I worked for Chicago Public Schools at the time and while I couldn’t be more thankful for the insurance coverage it provided me, they filled my position while I was out on medical leave. If you go back and read “A Hating Heaux”, it describes the friendship drama I was experiencing during my health struggle and losing my job. I’m getting mad all over again thinking about how my “friend” behaved during that time, but it’s truly a testament to how selfish, and out of touch people are.
My life suddenly changed on a day that started off completely normal ending with me in the emergency room with a lady I’d never met before telling me she may have to remove my ovaries. I underwent medically induced menopause twice, had two surgeries to scope then remove endometriomas, THEN lost my fucking job and this girl would be texting me talking about I’m acting funny. Bitch, watch me get hilarious. I’m literally cackling writing this because the fact that I really entertained her delusional ass is an indicator of how unwell I actually was. Though an extreme example of how I’ve experienced people not considering my mental load, it was in fact a lived experience that unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it), caused me to end that friendship. As a result of that experience, I have firmer boundaries and a lot less tolerance for things and people that impede on said boundaries.
Emotional intelligence is a now a requirement in my friendships and relationships. Before, I used to explain away peoples bad behaviors. “Oh, they weren’t raised how I was…they didn’t learn the things I learned….they haven’t been exposed to the things I’ve been exposed to…”blah blah blah- bullshit! If that’s something you do too, stop. Like, immediately. Benefit of the doubt is reserved for children or the involuntarily ignorant. People making the conscious decision not to be considerate of you and your feelings do not deserve your benefit of doubt. Require more of the people around you. Bare minimum-have the same expectations of them as they do you. If you find yourself saying- “Nah, I don’t watch to match their energy.” or “I’m not that kind of person.” “I don’t require all that.” etc…I leave you with this; if requiring of someone what they require of you feels like too much or too out of your character, or if you put boundaries in place that they don’t respect-is that someone who should have access to you?
Heal Heaux- The Lifestyle & Wellness Blog 